This morning, walking along the station platform I was behind a man who was wearing an aftershave I recognised.

Smelling it made me remember things and made me realise that however much I move on, however much I am happy now, some memories will still hurt. Not majorly hurt as in send me on a depressive cycle, but its one of those things, no matter how hard I try and look back and remember the good times, I ultimately remember how it all ended in hurt. I will always wonder what could have been.

Don't get me wrong I am not being wistful I am not wanting to go back, because I am happy now, despite this. But as I stood on the platform I wondered why should I try and pretend that hurt never happened? Why should I look back in happiness? Why should I forgive? they hurt me and they knew what they were doing it. In the end this is one of the main reasons I would never go back so why should it not colour how I look at it?

I know how this all sounds, that I am all bitter and twisted over things but I am not. The thing is I kept saying and meaning, no matter what was happening with this person and how much I felt over it, All I would say was "Its Ok, I understand". I did mean it. I did understand. But now its gone why should I? I don't anymore and I am fed up of saying it so I won't understand why and its not ok what happened. How can it be when I was so very very hurt?

It doesn't matter anymore but its still not ok that it happened. Am i making any sense at all? I don't mean I am going round with hatred and anger, its more like indifference, yet it still doesn't make things ok.

I won't let it affect me, I'm not looking back, in fact its quite the opposite. I am looking forward, I am excited as I see the possibility in the future for things that I have never experienced. This is both scary and exciting at the same time, but great :yes: