Trying to be me.....

Or maybe not as the case maybe...

But you do feel a kind of let down when you steel yourself for something, only to have it not happen.

I planned to come in today, and meet D without embarrasment... I wasn't going to blush or anything like that, I'd just smile slightly and get to work... and he's not around typical!!

Ah well, I should get on with work, however I can't, as there has been a network failure, and I either need Outlook, or the intranet to get on with things and I can't access either!! typical!!

What shall I do now then

In other news my throat and head hurt slightly, its not good

I have been singing this song all weekend...

Mainly because if I do audition for D's band they'll want to do this one!! I think I can though Well better than some of the people they've had by all accounts (Sounds so immodest! I'm not a brilliant singer, but I can hold a tune! I think lol)

I want to hide away, totally and completely, with only my books and music for company.

Its not that things are bad, things are just weird and I just need to sort myself out.

I won't though. I will just continue as I am, and worry that the things I do are self distructive or I'm just to shy or willing to please to say things.

Not that I really have things to say at the moment.

Hmmm I am rather confused.

There have been times when I have sat and thought about peoples attitudes to life and been able to see how self destructive they are. I can think of at least 3 people who recently I've found an interest in and they had a vague interest in me. However due to whatever, circumstances, head stuff, other stuff, many things (not really too sure what lol) they wouldn't give us a chance, they wouldn't give me a chance. It has been so plain to see that these people are self destructive and aren't willing to give someone a chance. Maybe its self punishment, maybe they don't want to let go of the past, however much they say they do, not being a mind reader, not having them talk to me despite me trying, I just don't know.

However, due to other things that occur, I am now wondering if I am self destructive myself, choosing the difficult situations to be in, to have someone to blame when things go wrong.

Don't get me wrong I know I'm not blameless when things go wrong but I just wonder why it is I find myself in these situations!

Maybe I am deluded, or maybe its a unconsious thing in which I make myself unhappy and subconsiously think I deserve that

Or maybe its simply a desire to make others happy and in doing so myself as that is the type of person I am??

Pondersome eh??

I have decided I need...

A leather corset...

More thigh high boots...

A whip...

Leather handcuffs...

And most importantly of all... omeone to use them with wear them for.....

Not actually in any way related to Valentines day, just because its a post I have been thinking of for a while....

I want... (in no particular order)

Someone who is strong enough to say "no" and tell me when I am unreasonable
yet lets me care for them...

Some one who can take care of me the way I deserve...

Someone who is adventurous.... there are a lot of things I want to try...

Someone who is a bit dominant...

Someone who will buy me gifts for no reason (They don't have to be big gifts just something cute and funny)

I wonder if its even possible to find someone like that